Sunday, September 21, 2014

Picking Apart "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic", Season 4 Episode 15


WARNING!  From this point onward, the following reviews will consist of using EXTREME profanity.  It is advised not to proceed past this point unless you are 21 years of age or older.  Profanity will be used to express personal opinions only, so there can be no one responsible if anyone is immensely offended because you have been warned.  If you can handle large quantities of profanity and you're ready to proceed, by all means do so, but of course at your own risk.

"I used to wonder what friendship could be; until I surpassed those who first showed it to me."

- Russet Burbanks, Fanfiction.net

It is a time of mourning.  It is a time of chaos and uncertainty.  It is a time where we must sometimes ask ourselves...  What the hell are we doing with our lives?

It is time of silence.  It is a time... to turn... turn... turn...


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Yes, it is also a time to turn... turn... turn... to turn
EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN EPISODE FEATURING THOSE LOVABLE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS INTO A SHIT-SUCKING, COCK-INFESTED, BALL-EATING, TEA-BAGGING, HUMPING, NO-GOOD, TWISTED, MANGLED, HORRIBLY WRITTEN, BUTT MONKEY TROPE LOVING, TORTUROUS JOYRIDE IN HASBRO'S FAVOR THAT TREATS THESE BIGHEARTED FILLIES WHO DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER LIKE PUNCHING BAGS AND FUCK BUDDIES!!!!


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GODDAMN IT, HASBRO!!  GODDAMN IT, STAFF!!!  WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME COMPLAIN ABOUT EVERY SINGLE CUTIE MARK CRUSADER EPISODE YOU'VE EVER WRITTEN?!?!

I mean, you guys are talented people, I'm sure.  You're probably even nice people!  You give fans your time at those cons!  It's not like I have anything against you.  I don't!  But why do you get to be douche bags and make fun of characters who you think would represent the children of today?!  Kids can probably relate to the Cutie Mark Crusaders and are probably inspired by their never-say-die attitudes!  So why do you put them through such anal-raping agony that clearly isn't just comic relief?!  No, really!  I want an answer!  And I want it now!!  Do you think I enjoy cussing at you people for this?!  Do you think I do these reviews just for fun so I can chew you all out for all this?!  Hell no!  I hate being nasty about this, believe me!  This series could be a whole lot better!  But all you guys do is focus on the animation!  ...Or so it seems.  What about the story?  What about the characters?!  In my last review, I complained not about Pinkie Pie, but rather Fluttershy because she deserves to be better than suffering from deterioration as she is now!  I swear, if Season 5 isn't any better, then you're turning this would-have-been-a-great-maybe-half-decent series into a lost cause.

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So now... now that I've had my say, which is probably a lost cause itself because Hasbro doesn't give two shits... we pray, people...  We now pray...
...for Dave Polsky, who has now joined these other writers in bringing us another Cutie Mark Crusaders episode that is sure to be God-awful...  Dave Polsky... the writer... of "Twilight Time".


Truthfully, as a matter of fact, I was only expecting this episode to suck my cock into the next century.  Instead, I got to keep my dick out of the time capsule and decided I would spare the staff for not bringing me the half-assed horror I kept waiting for.  But don't get me wrong.  This episode was still bland and I didn't enjoy it, but it wasn't horrendously God-awful like the last two Cutie Mark Crusader episodes.  But it still kinda sucked and I'm not feeling too keen about reviewing this.  However, I signed up and took an oath, so let's get another of these uninteresting Season 4 episodes over and done with.  This is "Twilight Time".

So we open at the Golden Oaks Library with Twilight giving private teaching lessons once a week to the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Apple Bloom is trying to learn potions (no Heart's Desire this time), Sweetie Belle is trying to learn magic (about time), and Scootaloo is learning how to fix things.

Twilight Sparkle: Scootaloo, I already told you I won't show you how, but I'll help you find the instructions so you can figure it out yourself.

Scootaloo: Ugh, I hate research!
Gee, why don't you just get this guy's help?

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Next, we see Diamond Tiara gather a crowd to see her do some cool shit... except that she has her paid butler do everything.  And somehow she gets all the attention and credit for it.  Okay, I'm not about to buy this fucked up garbage for two reasons.  One, not even kids nowadays will believe that paying someone to do tricks is gonna make you special, especially if you're just sucking up all the glory and pretending to be Scar on the throne of Pride Rock, so that makes this unrealistic and unconvincing.  And Dave Polsky, I'm intensely disappointed because the way you wrote this part of the episode makes it looks like you feed off the belief that kids are stupid.  I don't care if you don't care that your work is disrespected or not.  Who the hell is gonna like your work if you do it based off thinking that kids are stupid?!  Oh, that's right.  Mindless, trolling bronies, that's who!  You're fucking corrupt!  Two, because Dave Polsky has written the script so that these Ponyville kids are actually stupid enough to buy into Diamond Tiara's fallacies and feed into her vagina, it's obvious that it was done only to give this episode a plot, which is what every single episode needs for a story.  But this is clearly gonna be a stupid plot that makes no sense, especially when only the Cutie Mark Crusaders can see past this little rich cunt and her stupid, STUPID ruse.


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So the CMC think that if they keep doing what they're doing and work hard, they can be at the top of their game and earn their way to fame.  So when Diamond Tiara comes round and interrupts their fantasy visions, they let slip that they're friends with Twilight and they take private lessons.  Okay, it's obvious that the CMC did this because Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon wanted to poke fun at them because Rarity wouldn't let them hang out with celebrities or something and to an obvious degree, they're sick of being poked fun at.  Seriously, why don't the CMC just tell a bunch of adults about this?  Oh... right!  It's because NO ONE GIVES A FUCK, RIGHT?!


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And that's not all, but Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon say this.
Diamond Tiara: I mean, we used to see her around town all the time, and I thought, "whatever"...
Silver Spoon: Me too. I thought that.

Diamond Tiara: But now she's a princess, which makes her totally awesome!

Silver Spoon: Plus, she has wings.

Diamond Tiara: And she's an Alicorn. So can I–

Silver Spoon: We!
Diamond Tiara: –go?
What exactly are we supposed to make of this?  Each episode in Season 4 so far that has Twilight doesn't exactly have every Ponyville denizen openly acknowledge her as a princess, give her special treatment or anything like that.  Hell, even the Mayor still has her position of power and Ponyville denizens usually came to Twilight because of her leadership capabilities before she became a princess.  And that was likely because of the events of that "Winter Wrap Up" episode, which is way better than this Season 4 crap.  So... when did this special treatment come around?  Why now?  I mean, yeah, it's mean to have Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon hold only themselves in high regard because of their wealth and their stereotypical adolescent or teenage girl talk that always gets on my nerve...


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...but since when did they decide that Twilight is Ponyville's biggest celebrity?  They didn't bring this up until the CMC mentioned that they get together with her once a week because they're sick of these rich brats breathing down their back!  So how do we know that Dave Polsky didn't rip off The Princess Diaries for this matter?  And trust me, I'll get to the comparison at some point in this review.
So the CMC initially believe that they can use this opportunity to make Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon work for something and possibly make peace with them, but of course, as they should have suspected...


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...because despite Twilight insisting that these weekly visits be secret, guess what Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon do?  They tell every single kid in Ponyville, putting the CMC in a corner.


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Let's face it, people.  Bronies included.  There's just simply not ONE redeeming quality about Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon both.  And if there's ANYONE who thinks otherwise... seriously, just go fuck yourself because they're just on the list of unforgiving.

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Pipsqueak: We love you, Cutie Mark Crusaders!

Aw, FUCK!!  They got Pipsqueak involved with this?!  Fuck you, Dave Polsky!


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So the CMC are now popular with the crowd of foals, but now they have to get out of taking them to Twilight's abode.

Sweetie Belle: Relax. I got this.


But of course, Diamond Tiara proves that they're just sucking up to the CMC and are waiting for the opportunity to humiliate them in front of...
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So after a cameo from Pinkie, Twilight suddenly realizes during her lunch outing with the CMC that she's been sold out to every foal in Ponyville.  And this is one of two scenes that I think rips off the paparazzi moments from The Princess Diaries.

But she agrees to sign autographs, a typical celebrity thing.  I just think she's biting her tongue.  And after another misunderstanding between the foals and the CMC...

Sweetie Belle: Relax. I know exactly how to handle this.


So now they get special pampering and even an invitation to Diamond Tiara's pool party, but that's when things go downhill.  The CMC finds out that Diamond Tiara tricked the other foals and didn't let them come, leaving them outside the gates.  Realizing that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are taking advantage of them, they figure the only way out is to quit while they're ahead, which of course, isn't gonna be easy.

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The CMC of course fail to beat the crowd to the library, so two bad foals decide to let the CMC take the rap for everything.  But surprisingly, despite this being possibly another ripoff from The Princess Diaries in a way, Twilight decides to let everyone in, which of course doesn't go swimmingly when she talks to Pipsqueak.
Pipsqueak: I want to learn how to become a Cutie Mark Crusader!

Twilight Sparkle: And why do you want to become a Cutie Mark Crusader so badly, hm?

Pipsqueak: Because then I could get all my classmates to do me favors and stuff because I'm friends with a famous princess!

Sweetie Belle: Oh, boy.

Twilight Sparkle: Is this true?

Sweetie Belle: We wanted our time together just as a way to be with you and learn new things. Really and truly!
Really, Dave Polsky?!  Fucking really?!  You degraded Pipsqueak into this naive little dumbass?!  Of course that wasn't why the CMC came to Twilight to begin with!  I can't believe Twilight was dumb enough to actually buy that shit!  I could just punch her right now!

Nevertheless, she orders the CMC to prove that their skills have improved since their last meeting.  But obviously since they've had their hooves full trying to get Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon off their backs, this doesn't fall into place.
Pipsqueak: Hey! That's my scooter!
Scootaloo: You got us into this mess, kid. Might wanna roll with us.
And God help me for saying this, but Pipsqueak deserves this.  That's right, Dave Polsky!  Look what your episode did to me!

Now, to Sweetie Belle's credit, she is able to partially levitate that broom better than the last time she was seen attempting, so technically... didn't she improve at least?
But then Apple Bloom's experiment makes a mess, and...
Twilight Sparkle: Looks like Twilight Time is over.
Diamond Tiara: And look who's not the princess's entourage anymore.
Foals: Oooh!

Silver Spoon: Guess they didn't come here to learn after all.

Twilight Sparkle: Well, neither did any of you.

Foals: Awww...
Whuuuuuuuu...?!?!

Okay, let's stop the review right here for a moment so I can clearly explain what makes this the best moment in this crappy episode.  Twilight may have bought Pipsqueak's misunderstanding, but this moment proves that she caught on exactly what Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were doing.  While the CMC at least tried, Twilight immediately saw that the crowd of foals didn't come to learn at all, but rather they came to humiliate the CMC in front of Twilight and deliberately get them in trouble with her.  That is to say, trouble that the CMC didn't fucking ask for!!  So what does she do?  She sends them away in the most rational way possible, by simply telling them they didn't come to learn and they were no better.


You know what?  I'm still gonna say this much, though.  Bitch, please.

And as for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, I'm gonna give those two fucking little cunts exactly what they deserve!

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So the CMC tell the honest truth, which is the fucking truth of course, and somehow they get their skills going enough to produce... a flower for her mane... as a way of an apology... and perhaps a parting gift.  Well, that's... nice... yeah.  So Twilight sees that the CMC were in fact telling the truth (way to think they weren't, bitch) and declares that Twilight Time is back on.
And we then see that the CMC have indeed improved in the things that Twilight was teaching them, granted that none of them relate to their real talents from Season 1, which we all should know what they are from the episode "The Show Stoppers".  In fact, Scootaloo is the one who can fix things when you think that should go to Apple Bloom!  Can you say that continuity is fucked up again for the umpteenth time?!  I sure as hell can!
So after the CMC record their own journal entries (don't ask) and the episode ends when they leave the library in secret, possibly so that none of the other kids recognize them and maul the shit out of them.


And that was "Twilight Time" for you fucked up, uncaring, uncouth, selfish, pig-headed, penis-injecting bronies who love seeing anything, even sadistic, as long as it's pony content!

To be fair, it's not the worst CMC episode ever written, nor is it as God-awful as I imagined.  Twilight wasn't exactly furious with the CMC because she shouldn't have had a reason to get mad to begin with.  It was just the way Dave Polsky fucked up poor Pipsqueak!  Twilight didn't even recognize him from Nightmare Night!  What's up with that?!  The little guy befriended Princess Luna!!  Where's his credit for that?!

And also to be fair, the CMC have been outcasts the moment they became characters added to the series because apparently the staff fucking LOVES racism, so they create these shitty episodes and think that dumb kids are gonna laugh at them!  Well, I can assure you that I am NOT laughing.  I am filled to the core with anger!  The most anger I've ever felt in years!  Did these staff people ever read "The Sneetches"?!  I'm well aware that racism still exists today, but kids' cartoons in my opinion are not a good way to teach lessons about how to deal with it.  That kind of stuff should be brought up in school as a history lesson or something!  Because if you put this shit in a kids' cartoon, what's it really gonna teach or inspire?  That kids should just laugh at racism and child sadism and ignore everything that "The Sneetches" taught us?!


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And another thing, how come no one else is sick to death of this shit already?!  In every single CMC episode, we get Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon breathing down their necks because of racial prejudice and these fucking adult ponies don't even give a fucking rat's ass!  Not even Cheerilee!  What are they, racial whores?!  Do they enjoy watching the CMC suffer as much the little rich cunts do?!  Every single CMC episode has convinced me that the staff just LOVES to tea-bag the CMC every chance they get!  And they feel that because they call it kids' entertainment that they can get away with throwing that shit at them.  Do they even have any shame for all this?!  I know it's a harsh opinion of mine, but... it's just unfair, it's just not meant for kids to look at, and above all else, nothing is done about it and so I am convinced that Season 5 is gonna have a few more of these pointless, ridiculous, retarded episodes in which the exact same thing happens to the poor Cutie Mark Crusaders every single time and the staff is Michael Bay enough to think that their audiences will keep watching their shit no matter what happens to these characters, when in fact, all we're getting is the same old shit that will continue to suck on the penises of these stupid, STUPID bronies everywhere!


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