Sunday, August 24, 2014

Picking Apart "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic", Season 4 Episode 7


WARNING!  From this point onward, the following reviews will consist of using heavy profanity.  It is advised not to proceed past this point unless you are 18 years of age or older.  Profanity will be used to express personal opinions only, so there can be no one responsible if anyone is greatly offended because you have been warned.  If you can handle profanity and you're ready to proceed, by all means do so.

"I used to wonder what friendship could be; until I surpassed those who first showed it to me."

- Russet Burbanks, Fanfiction.net

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Hoo fucking doggy, we got us another really bad episode on our hands.  And I mean really bad.  This is the episode that makes the Twilight saga look charming and realistic.  Yes, this is worse than sparkling vampires.  It's THAT bad!  It's one of the worst episodes I ever had to sit through! Too much of it doesn't make sense.  And too much of it is just anus shit!


But don't take my personal ranting for it.  Let's take a look!  This is the episode simply titled "Bats!"


So we start with Applejack up at the crack of dawn ready to take part in Applebucking Day as she calls it, which is more or less the start of another harvesting season.  She knocks down a bunch of apples, only to find that their juices have been sucked out.  I suppose those apples won't do any good for eating nor to be made into anything.  So Applejack calls on her honorary family members for an emergency meeting... and some assistance.
Rarity: Calm down, Applejack.

Applejack: Calm down?! How can I calm down at a time like this?!
Oh boy...
Applejack: Vampire fruit bats are attackin' Sweet Apple Acres!

Oh?  Vampire bats, huh?  This sounds like a job for... Supermare!

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Twilight Sparkle: But I thought the fruit bats usually stayed put in the west orchard.
Applejack: The fruit bats do, but these aren't just your everyday ordinary fruit bats. They're vampire fruit bats! I'll be darned if they think they're gonna sink their fangs into my blue ribbon apple.
 

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Applejack: Them vampire bats want to shrivel it up like a raisin!
Fluttershy: Oh, I'm sure if we just let them know how special that particular apple is to you, they'll leave it alone.
Yes, leave it to dear Fluttershy.  After all, we do give her credit for when it's due, so I'm sure she can make things work in the long run--
Fluttershy: Um, excuse me, Mr. Vampire Bat--
[splat]

Fluttershy: We were just wondering if maybe you wouldn't mind leaving that really big apple alone?
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Yes, this is about that giant apple.  If Applejack was so protective about it, why would she give the okay to allow Fluttershy to try to talk some senses into these bats to begin with?  This is the first moment of the episode that makes no sense and trust me, there's plenty more where that came from.  If Applejack, however cynical, allows Fluttershy to talk to the bats and tell them not to eat that apple, wouldn't that be revealing the big apple to those juice-sucking bats and making it all too obvious that they're gonna eat it?!

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You can say that again.

Fluttershy: This is the first vampire fruit bat I've ever met and, well, it might take some time for me to really understand their language.

Applejack: Uh-huh. And in the meantime, this pest and his vermin friends are gonna go after my prized apple and, while they're at it, every other apple in the orchard!
Okay, even if that wasn't sounding a little too paranoid, if that's such a big concern, why are you just talking about these bats then?!  First you reveal your 'prize apple' in plain sight where the bats can eat it and now you're saying that you don't even have a second to lose?!  Isn't that like saying that no matter what you do, even taking action against the bats, is gonna count as time that vampire bats spend eating your goddamn orchard?!  See?  That's another moment that makes no sense.

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All that's missing is for Applejack to waste even more time by singing about these vampire bats--

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Oh man, not only is this song distasteful, but it shows us that Applejack's character is practically all but backwards!

In Season 1, Applejack was dignified and likeable.  Sure, her stubbornness and pride got in the way in "Applebuck Season", but give that some credit.  It's not...
...this!

This Applejack is a pride fetish nut ball!  Just listen to her when Fluttershy tries to get her to see some sense.

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And despite Fluttershy seeing the potential benefit of these vampire fruit bats, Applejack is able to manipulate her friends to take her side, leaving Fluttershy totally outnumbered.

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Oh, you anus-raping shitheads!  It doesn't help that during the song, Applejack and the others have slightly less color as if they've been half-tainted by Discord.  But cry, those goons just terrified Fluttershy into the next life!  You saw her reaction, didn't you?!  Remind me again, these big horses' asses are Fluttershy's closest friends?  The only denizens in Ponyville who respect and put up with her sensitivity and personal boundaries?!  And now they're haunting her nightmares?!  This a load of manure!  I mean, a load of fresh-from-the-anus manure!  Since when did the staff behind this nonsensical garbage decide to throw in a genuinely frightening and mean-spirited moment?!

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You know something else?  This might just remind you of another song that plays out the exact same way as this one!  Can't quite put your finger on it?  Maybe this clip will sum it up for you.

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...Don't do that again.

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Good God, Applejack!  You're horrible!  I swear, this is like Rabbit from Winnie the Pooh and his garden.  Pride gets in the way!  Okay, I know that both Applejack and Rabbit work hard and they're proud of their patches, I get that, but really?  Does Applejack really have to put her fucking orchard ahead of her friendship with Fluttershy?!  I swear, this is the part where I would ditch my friends and back out, wanting nothing more to do with this anus-raping shit.  Why?!  Because clearly, Applejack and the others are choosing the fucking orchard over Fluttershy!  It's obvious!  I don't care if they say "I'm sorry"!  That's not cutting it!

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And look...

Fluttershy: They're only here because they're hungry! If we build a sanctuary for them, they could have their own apples to enjoy! After a while, they could even help the rest of your orchard! The vampire bats don't eat the seeds of the apples, and when they spit them out, they grow into even more productive apple trees!
Applejack: Listen, Fluttershy. That sounds real nice 'n' all, but every second we spend buildin' this so-called 'sanctuary' is a second they'll spend destroyin' orchards!
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Yeah...  Weren't you pretty much complaining about the same thing a minute ago?  You know, with Fluttershy trying to learn the language of these bats, never mind how she somehow knows that they can be helpful like insects without having met them or being able to speak their language.  So if you're complaining about what these bats are doing every second...


...why did you even waste your time singing about them to begin with?!?!

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It just doesn't add up!  That means Applejack has totally lost it!  God, I could just cry.

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WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, HASBRO?!?!  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?!


Now if I recall correctly, didn't the Mane 6 go through this exact same problem in the Season 1 episode "Over a Barrel"?!  You know, the buffaloes and the denizens of Appleloosa at each others' throats and not even so much as consider peace an option!  Bunch of sick fucks!  Pinkie Pie offered the peace treaty, but what do they do?!  They turn her down flat because they thought she sang a God-awful song when it wasn't God-awful and had good wholesome decency!


Here, it's literally the same thing!  Fluttershy offers sharing and caring while Applejack insists on an all-out war!  Okay, so maybe the staff was trying to teach our kids that you have to fight for what's right and not everything works out the first time around.  Yeah, I get that.

BUT WE WENT THROUGH THAT LESSON ALREADY!!!  SEASON 1!!!!  "OVER A BARREL"!!!!  GO LOOK AT THAT GOD FUCKING AWFUL EPISODE AND SEE FOR YOURSELF!!!!  AND NOW IT'S INSANELY OBVIOUS THAT IN THIS EPISODE, SOMETHING BAD IS GONNA HAPPEN BEFORE APPLEJACK FINALLY TAKES FLUTTERSHY UP ON HER OPTION!!!


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*sigh* That's like Homer Simpson when the family dog ate his cookie!  Just leave it to something like this to get Rainbow Dash easily suckered in.


Friendship is magic, everyone.  Friendship is magic.


Talking of this walking contradiction, why don't we just remember these idiots' decision to round up these bats and put them in the meat grinder instead of taking their dear friend Fluttershy to heart.  Because later in this episode, Applejack will say something that will bite this whole thing in the back.  Trust me.

But for now, Twilight comes up with a plan to put the vampire fruit bats out of commission.  She looks up this magic spell that can make the bats stop eating apples together, provided of course that they give their complete undivided attention.  That means that Fluttershy will have to use her patented stare on them in order for this scheme to work.  But of course, Fluttershy is against the idea, so Twilight reminds her what's at stake...

...ALL BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT TAKING FLUTTERSHY'S IDEA SERIOUSLY!!!!  DID THESE MORONS LEARN ANYTHING FROM "OVER A BARREL"?!?!  ANYTHING AT ALL?!?!

Remember what Twilight herself said in that episode?


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WHAT DO YOU THINK FLUTTERSHY IS DOING, YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITICAL BITCH?!?!  AND NOW THESE SO-CALLED LEARNED LESSONS DON'T EVEN APPLY IN THIS EPISODE!!!!  FRIENDSHIP ISN'T MAGIC IN THIS GOD-AWFUL SERIES!!!!  FRIENDSHIP IS FUCKING WASTED!!!!  AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!!!!

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Anyway...

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Now then... where was I?  Oh yes.  So, does anyone see anything wrong with Twilight's plan?  I mean, wasn't there a similar circumstance from another movie that tried a similar plan and it backfired?

Yep!  That's right!

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*sigh* This may be a dire circumstance concerning all of Ponyville, but I think we all know the most morale solution, don't we?  But because Fluttershy's friends just think that she's being Hagrid, they won't hear any of it.  God, this may really be a job for... Supermare.

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But no.  And it doesn't help that Fluttershy isn't being firm enough with her friends, which surely I would be.  Why couldn't Fluttershy just be like...

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Damn right.  These shit-infested cock-sucking bitches are dead to me.


So, because obviously taking extreme drastic measures is the answer to everything, Fluttershy uses the stare on the vampire fruit bats, Twilight executes the spell, and it seems to work.

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Guess everything at Sweet Apple Acres will be back to normal in no time, right?  Riiiiiight?!


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So next morning, Applejack gives apple-bucking another go, only to get the exact same results as yesterday.  She rounds up her friends and they double-check on the vampire fruit bats because they thought the spell wore off, but since they still won't eat the apples, that must mean there's another juice-sucking culprit.  And I'll give you three guesses as to who this culprit is.  No, wait...  No need to guess.  We all know who it is, don't we?


The Mane 6 split up during the night to scour the orchard and search for the apple eater.  And what do you know?  They find out it's their dear friend Fluttershy, who has now become cursed by Twilight's spell and is now a bat-pony who slurps on apples.

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Eventually, leave it to Twilight to reveal that she and the others are the ones who created this beast by somehow transferring the appetites of the vampire fruit bats to Fluttershy.
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Twilight Sparkle: Okay, so this is me, these are the bats, and this is Fluttershy doing her Stare. The spell was supposed to go right onto the bats like this, but somehow the spell must have backfired. It took the vampire fruit bats' desire to be vampire fruit bats and transferred that desire into Fluttershy.


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Okay, I'm just about ready to go berserk here, but I'm gonna let all build up first.  So until we get to that point, enjoy this wild goose chase scene as Fluttershy exacts her revenge against her lowlife friends for what they did to her.  Go get 'em, Flutterbat!  Bite those bitches!  They deserve it!


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So remember when I said that Applejack would say the most ironic line in this episode?  Well, here it is.

Rainbow Dash: If she keeps this up, your whole crop will be gone in no time!

Applejack: That's the least of my worries. I just want my friend back.
Wha-da-I-di-ah-di-ah-d-d-d-d...!!!!


THAT'S THE LEAST OF YOUR WORRIES?!?!  YOU JUST WANT YOUR FRIEND BACK?!?!  NOW YOUR FRIEND IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN YOUR SHITTY FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK ORCHARD?!?!
OH, YOU HALF-ASSED... BITCHFUCKER!!!!

So in the end, Applejack pays the price for what she did to Fluttershy by slitting her prize apple in order to reel her in.  Fluttershy ends up casting the stare on herself when her friends set up a bunch of mirrors and while distracted, Twilight reverses the spell, transforming Fluttershy back to normal and also restoring the vampire fruit bats back to normal.
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Applejack FINALLY sets up that sanctuary for the vampire fruit bats, which she should have done right from the get-go because it wouldn't have cost her that fucking competition and more importantly would have saved us from having to watch this dreadful episode.


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You tell 'em, Rhinox.

So, if you've been keeping count...


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But it's all good because Applejack and Fluttershy learn a lesson, Spike records the terrible events that transpired in Applejack's journal, and they all live happily ever after...

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Yep.  If you can grasp this, Fluttershy's dearest, closest friends created a monster.

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And it's Fluttershy herself.  A permanent bat-pony.  All because they never took her pacifism to heart.

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Not that it really matters because... well...  This isn't gonna be brought up again for the rest of the series, is it?

So kids, the morale of the story is, if you can't be the voice of reason, just let something seriously bad happen to you or get yourself killed off.  Then surely people will finally see that your way will be the best way... or the most humane way, for that matter.

WHAT A HORRIBLE LESSON FOR THE KIDS!!!!  THIS EPISODE IS BULL FUCK!!!!  IT SUCKS ASS!!!!  IT SUCKS BALLS!!!!  IT SUCKS BOTH ASS AND BALLS!!!!

It's dirty, it's rotten, it's a waste of time, the song is terrible and mean-spirited (I don't care if it was derived from Danny Elfman in The Nightmare Before Christmas!), and while the episode is not being overbearing and unpleasant to watch, it just makes no sense.  And I know what you're thinking.  Well, if Fluttershy had been more firm, she probably would have been able to snap some sense into Applejack.  But I'm gonna bet my chips that given Applejack's state of mind at the time, it probably would not have helped and would have likely made the situation worse.
Of course the one thing that did come out of this episode was the popular Flutterbat trend.  It wouldn't be so bad if Fluttershy had become a bat-pony from being bitten by a bat.  But no, Twilight, Applejack, and the others are to blame for bringing Flutterbat to life.  So in my personal opinion, that just makes Flutterbat one of the many things wrong with the episode.


But in any case, I'm sure as hell glad to be done with it.  And now you might ask.  Will I ever find a Season 4 episode that's actually good?  Well... we'll see.  But I make no promises.

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