Thursday, December 11, 2014

Picking Apart "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic", Season 4 Episode 24

WARNING!  From this point onward, the following reviews will consist of using EXTREME profanity.  It is advised not to proceed past this point unless you are 21 years of age or older.  Profanity will be used to express personal opinions only, so there can be no one responsible if anyone is immensely offended because you have been warned.  If you can handle large quantities of profanity and you're ready to proceed, by all means do so, but of course at your own risk.

"I used to wonder what friendship could be; until I surpassed those who first showed it to me."

- Russet Burbanks,

Holy Fuck-turds!  How the hell is this possible?!  The unbeatable Wonderbolts, the fucking Mary-Sues who always win...
...did not take the gold this time?!  Okay, I'm convinced.  I'm reviewing this episode so I can find out just exactly how those cheeky, arrogant, invincible flyers representing fucking Cloudsdale only took home the silver... even if Ponyville surpassed them by a slim margin.  What the fuck happened?

Well, as it turns out, there was all this hype built up for the Equestria Games and it turns out that not only is it one episode, but it's more of a Spike episode instead of showing most of the actual games.  I'm not sure if it's because Dave Polsky wrote this episode or if Meghan McCarthy edited the story so that the games themselves get more of a backseat.  I wonder how the bronies reacted.

So upon arriving at the Crystal Empire, Spike is whisked away by a couple of guards and brought to Princess Cadance.
Crystal Guard: A thousand pardons, O Great and Honorable Spike the Brave and Glorious.

Spike: Huh? Who the what now?
Yeah, when did this happen?

Okay, so this is technically the second time Spike has visited the Crystal Empire because we all know he was pet-sitting in the episode "Games Ponies Play" and no thanks to Corey Powell's writing, he didn't do a good job.  Apparently because Spike is technically the hero who saved the Crystal Empire, he's receiving praise and special treatment.  So... what did he do again?

Ah, yes.  That.  Wonder if it was worth Twilight fretting over her test.

So let me get this straight.  Twilight seems to be okay with Spike basking in praise and special treatment and talking like Barbra Streisand, but she doesn't seem to be keen about his fetish for Rarity?  I don't how to feel about that.

Spike is asked to light the torch at the Equestria Games opening ceremony and he seems to be all for it.  But then when he steps into the arena, he realizes that he has to do it in front of every single denizen in Equestria!  What a chore!
Even the entire Equestrian royalty is here, including Prince Blueblood and the two rulers of Saddle Arabia!  So as you can imagine, poor Spike is a bundle of nerves.  And it doesn't help that Ms. Harshwhinny doesn't give two fucks.

What a cunt.

Ms. Harshwhinny: [stomps hoof] This is the signal! [stomps hoof] I'm giving you the signal now! Mr. the Dragon!

My God, you bitch!  You fucking cunt!!!
Ms. Harshwhinny: Mr. the Dragon! Would you light the torch already?!


Spike: I don't know what it is, but I just don't have the stuff today! Did you bring a match?

Ms. Harshwhinny: You're a fire-breathing dragon.

And I bet you talk that way to even autistic children.  You'd sure make a terrible mother, you fucking cunt.

Spike: [coughs] [raspy] Then some cough drops, maybe?

Ms. Harshwhinny: [growls]
Spike: Nevermind. I'll keep trying.

Look!  Even Luna doesn't care!  Prince Blueblood at least noticed something was up!  Yeah, Prince Blueblood cares more than Luna!  What kind of sick fuck episode is this?!  What have you done, Dave Polsky?!  What have you done?!

Well, just as Cadance sends for help, Twilight secretly casts a magic spell to light the torch instantly and of course, everyone thinks that Spike did it.  And of course when Twilight tells him what really happened, he's utterly crushed.

I scorn you, Dave Polsky.  I scorn you.

Now to this episode's credit, it does at least show us the Cutie Mark Crusaders' performance carrying the flag to represent Ponyville and the aerial relay event, which previous episodes did focus on.

Also, I'm gonna guess that maybe someone found out that Twilight lit the torch because the unicorns have to walk through some kind of force field vortex thingy that disables their magic for the remainder of the games.
And of course, no surprise, Spitfire beats Rainbow Dash in the relay, even if it's by a hair, putting Cloudsdale in the lead.

Spike shoots for a chance at redemption by offering to sing Ponyville's anthem, but because Clousdale is currently in the lead, their anthem plays instead.  And since Spike doesn't know those lyrics, he totally botches up.

Dave Polsky strikes again, making sure that these child characters always get the receiving end of the butt-monkey trope.

Spike is now so dejected, he attempts to pack his things and leave early, even opting to stay out of sight until the games are over.  But luckily, Twilight comes to talk some sense into him.

Okay, I don't care what the circumstance is, and I can understand that Twilight wants to snap Spike out of his funk because he's constantly browbeating himself, but did she really have to be that firm with him?  Really?!  Let's go back a few clicks.  First, Spike wasn't able to light the torch, so Twilight had to fess up that she did it, making him feel crummy enough.  Second, Spike believed he humiliated himself in front of all of Equestria by fucking up the Clousdale anthem and isn't up to facing the spectators again.  I get that he probably needs to be snapped out of what he's going through and face himself.  But considering what had happened to him previously in this episode?  What the fucking hell, Twilight?!  That was practically emotionally forced!  Now let's see this again with yet another...

Ah, heck.  I'm gonna go for Round 2.

So the final event is ice archery and without a Ponyville player, Rainbow Dash has to count on Cloudsdale botching up for Ponyville to even have a shot at taking first place.  Really?  Cloudsdale?  Botch up?  Fat chance.

So just when you think that you're sick and tired of Mary-sues taking over everything, one pony accidentally fires off an ice arrow into the sky and it hits a cloud, turning it into ice and causing it to fall, threatening to crush the arena.  Uh-oh!  Better call Supermare!

Again, why don't we get Superman?  He could easily push the giant ice cloud safely out of the way!  Instead, we get Spike, who somehow musters up his courage and finally gets his fire breath going.


So yes, Spike saves the Crystal Empire a second time, but wouldn't you know it?  He's still wallowing in self-doubt!  My God, get over it!  Can't you see all is forgiven?!  Well, because it's up to Spike to get over his own self-doubt, Cadance offers him the chance to light the closing ceremony fireworks, which she was supposed to do.

And now, here's the shocker.  For real.  Since the Ponyville team somehow acquired the most amount of medals in the end, one more than Cloudsdale to be precise, Ponyville wins the Equestria Games of 2014!

And Spike successfully sets off the fireworks, bringing the games to a close as well as this episode.  So... what did I think?

Yep.  Pretty bad.  Awful.  I'd say it's probably up there with one of the worst episodes of Season 4 along with "Leap of Faith", but mainly because of all the butt-hurt that Spike goes through as well as just Ms. Harshwhinny and not because we don't see much of the games themselves.  Ms. Harshwhinny is pretty bad, definitely one of the worst characters in the series, and for even Twilight to have one really bad moment in this episode?  That alone pissed me off.  I don't care if Spike was acting pathetic.  He was having a bad day!  And Twilight came this close to kicking him while he was down.  And for no one to even notice much less care?  That's like bad parenthood right there.  But hey, at least those cocky Wonderbolts finally got their horses' asses handed to them when Ponyville ousted them and Cloudsdale for the gold!  Nice going!

However, I still hope that one day soon, Dave Polsky will be personally ashamed for writing this piece of junk for an episode.  Spike gets butt-hurt, Ms. Harshwhinny is harsh (shut up about her name), and even Twilight is bad in that one scene.  One day, Dave Polsky...  One day.

Well...  You all know what's coming next time.  The big one.  The Season 4 finale.  And I'm not looking forward to it one little bit.  But... I have to review it... even if it destroys the shit out of me.  No turning back now.  Wish me luck.

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